For the Good
For this we know that all things work together FOR THE GOOD of them that love God and are called according to His purpose. - Romans 8:28
I quote this a lot. Mostly in the good times but I try to quote it in the bad. Sometimes I quote it through tears, with gritted teeth or with shock and disbelief. Even with everything Kristen and I have been through it is our anthem. It gives us hope for the future and a peace that surpasses all understanding.
We just found out, today, that we lost the baby. We have cried, sat in silence, cried again, tried to change the subject but it is still very raw. This isn’t something that anyone can explain, nor was anyone to blame. It happens. A lot of times it happens without anyone knowing. We were going through the in vitro process so we were hyper-aware of every step. Our pregnancy was a miracle within itself.
I was told 10 years ago that I would never have my own children. I underwent chemotherapy at a very formidable time in my development. It wasn’t until late college that I found out fertility would ever be an issue. At that time I was told not to worry about. “Have it worked up before you get married and decide to have children.”
The summer after we got engaged I went to a urologist. I contributed my part (you’ll figure that out later) and waited for the call. Two days later, while at the Ichthus Music Festival, I got a call from the urologist. He hesitated before he started but then proceeded to tell me that there was nothing there. No low count, no low motility, nothing.
I was in a crowd of thousands of people but suddenly felt completely alone. I had wanted to have kids for as long as I could remember. I am a huge kid at heart. At that time I had lost hope.
Medical school started and soon all worries were very violently pushed out of my mind and replaced with a new set. It it wasn’t for Trinity Harvest Church we would have drowned. Completely. One of Pastor Rich’s messages in October 2010 rocked my world. He was preaching out of Samuel and specifically highlighted Hannah. His thesis was that “God is no respecter of person. What He did for someone in scripture He can still do for you today.” I went back to my apartment, fell on my knees by my bed, and prayed. I quoted Hannah back to God, asked for a son that I would dedicate to Him.
I immediately felt an overwhelming since of His presence. It was palpable. It brought me to tears. It took my breath away. Most importantly for me it gave me peace. I didn’t understand what it meant. This only confirmed for me that it was from God. The peace... surpassed all understanding.
Five years later I am evaluated again and the results were the same. At that time we finally made the decision to pursue adoption. It took a lot of counsel, prayer and advice to finally reach that decision but we were excited.
Three months later I was diagnosed with colon cancer. As a result I was knocked out of the running for most applications. Most programs want a cancer diagnosis greater than five years old.
We then enroll in foster training. We complete the training, our home was certified, we pass all inspections and our home was opened on July 25, 2016. We had put together a nursery. We were so excited! But we waited. We waited months almost a year. Nothing. No calls, no leads.
During that time a doctor in Lexington suggested that I get a biopsy. You can about guess where. He phrased it in a way that made at ease with his advice. “This will tell us for sure. If it’s negative then we will put a large period at the end of that chapter of your life and start a new one.” I received a call later that afternoon, August 5, 2016 that everything was NORMAL. Completely. I had to explain my shock to the lady on the phone with my back story. She said she wouldn’t have known any difference. She said that if we were to conceive it would have to be through in vitro. I (now dumbstruck) asked “so it’s possible?” She responded “Oh probable even.”
That brings us to the past several months. We started in vitro September 11, 2017. There was a minor hiccup but it ultimately worked. Going into Christmas we had an ultrasound picture, video of the first heart beat and the best surprise we could ever give each other or our families.
Kristen asked me going into the ultrasound today what we were going to do if the news wasn’t good and now almost 3,000 people have watched us announce that we are pregnant. I knew the answer immediately but didn’t want to think about the implications. I also didn’t know that i would have to put my advice into practice that day. Just as 3,000 people have shared in our joy 3,000 people will also share in our grief. It’s what it means to be human. No one should have to do life alone.
It sucks. I don’t think it makes you any less of a Christian to know and acknowledge that a situation is terrible. You need to be able to cry, scream or take those dinner plates you never liked anyway and smash them.
HOWEVER, We know that all things work together for the good. Scripture doesn’t say everything will be good. All things, good and bad, will work together FOR THE GOOD of those who love God and are called according to His purpose. God is standing at the finish line with a reward beyond anything you can imagine. If you have been knocked down, know that we have too. Come on, let’s cross the finish line together.
-William