Show Up and Show Off
For this we know that all things work together FOR THE GOOD of them that love God and are called according to His purpose. - Romans 8:28
I almost begrudgingly wrote that out exactly one month ago today. At that time I didn’t know that I fully believed it, but I clung to it. I held to it the same way you would hold on to a life ring in the midst of a hurricane. The fear was still there. The grief was still there. The hurt was still there. His word, though, stands constant, the same and forever. THAT, as it turns out, was exactly what I needed.
Kristen and I slowly got to the point where we were able to move in a direction that was somewhat forward. It was a start. There were and are still hard days. Kristen had a patient who had also experienced miscarriage say that it is something you will carry with you forever. “You’ll keep it in your pocket and some days you’ll forget. Inevitably you will pull it out one day, and you will cry. Then you’ll put it back in your pocket and go on… and that’s ok.”
We began to really pray together during this time, and not just over our meals. For whatever reason this part of our marriage got lost distantly. Whether it was residency, stress or just life, regardless the reason we brought it back. We became very intentional with what we asked God. We wrote it down. When prayers were answered we revisited it and marked it off. One thing we began to pray (which I stole from a new friend) was for God to “Show up and show off in a way only YOU can get the credit for.”
A word of caution: If you decide to pray this, and you earnestly mean it, you better hold on to something.
Two weeks after the miscarriage I received a phone call from a long time friend. You could tell she was nervous making the call given our recent circumstances. After we caught up a bit she said she knew of a mom who was 7.5 months pregnant looking to find a great set of adoptive parents for her baby. At this current stage in her life she was just not able to take care of it. My friend told me that she would find out more information but we were the first people she thought of to call. I didn’t quite know what to think. I think I was numb to the entire situation but agreed to hear more information if she found it. Until last week, that was all I had heard. Sunday January 28th my life turned upside down.
I was sitting in church when I received a phone call from that same friend. I rejected the call initially, texting her back to see what was up. She immediately responded “Leave the service and call me NOW.” Kristen and I looked at each other in confusion but I ultimately excused myself and returned her call. When she answered the phone the first thing she said was “Are you sitting down?” The mother had apparently been off on her dates and was not 7.5 months pregnant. She was full term and just went into labor. “If you guys want to do this, we need you in Cincinnati right now.” By this point we had made it to Penn Station with our fabulous home group surrounding us, waiting with baited breath. I remember the moment when the smile broke across my face.
“Do you want to bring this baby home?” Kristen asked.
“Yeah” I said. “Do you?”
“Yeah.”
One month ago I ended the hardest story I have ever had to write saying: “God is standing at the finish line with a reward beyond anything you can imagine.” I had no idea I would receive it in just 3 short weeks.
I’m a dad. I have held, changed, fed, sang to and rocked the most beautiful little girl I have ever laid eyes on. I am well aware that there are many more hurdles to jump. EVEN IF this doesn’t work, I am her dad. If I am her dad for 2 weeks, 2 months or the rest of her life I will not let the fear of the unknown prevent me from completely letting go and soaking all of this in. This little girl will know beyond the shadow of a doubt that she is loved, that she is strong, that she is brave and that her mother and I will be here as long as God allows us.
Many of you have already reached out to see how you can help. If you don’t do anything else, pray for this baby girl. She ran into a rough patch medically but so far has exceed all of the doctors’ expectations (that’s my girl.) Pray the adoption goes smoothly. Our situation has left everyone scratching their heads but attorneys on both sides are moving heaven and earth to make this happen. Most of all pray for the birth family. I cannot imagine the emotions they have been going through but we will forever be humbled and thankful that they chose us. Our world has forever changed and I can’t wait for you to meet this little miracle.
-William